The Stages of Grief & The Coronavirus
A Short Emotional Self-Help Guide For You And Your Kids!
The coronavirus is arguably the biggest global crisis we have faced in this generation.
With all the fear, uncertainty and loss this has generated for all of us, it is understandable that we are all likely to experiencing one of what might be termed ‘the stages of grief’.
This may be caused by the actual loss of a loved one or other losses caused by the pandemic, such as economic uncertainty, social isolation or loss of role.
Like many others I have felt personally deeply impacted by this crisis. So for the purposes of this piece of writing I have drawn not only from some of my own feelings and experiences but from those of the people around me at this time.
The concept behind the 5 stages of grief theory (Elisabeth Kuebler-Ross) is that when the stages are acknowledged or moved through, acceptance, the last stage can be reached.
In this process, it is key for us to acknowledge and move through our feelings. That’s not to say that this is necessarily easy or that it might not take some time.
How this is experienced will differ from person to person. We might pass through these stages quickly or we might stay at some stages for a longer period of time or go back through the stages again. That’s all fine too.
Everyone’s experience will be unique. It’s not something we can rush ourselves with. Some people get stuck at different stages and need therapy or counselling support in moving through to acceptance.
So for the purposes of this writing I have briefly outlined what typifies each of the five stages of grief in the hope that understanding this may aid in supporting yourself, your children and loved ones in family life at this time.
So. If you’re tearing your hair out with your teenager - who is throwing stuff around the house in an angry rage. Or if you find that your children are uncharacteristically worried or tearful. Or you - who are usually so calm and on top of everything are feeling as if you are going mad, then take heart! You and your loved ones are having a normal reaction to a challenging situation!
Below I have given some examples of how the coronavirus might have impacted on children and adults alike. You will of course have your own individual scenarios!
Check out which one of the stages you or your loved one may be going through.
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Stage 1 : Denial
This is characterised by a feeling of shock and bewilderment. This can be accompanied by numbness and a sensation of unreality. Perhaps a feeling of disorientation, as if it hasn’t sunk in yet.
For some it may manifest physically as stiff neck, back ache or headaches. Another sign of denial is an apparent lack of feeling altogether, or even as displaced laughter..
Try to not to make too many demands on yourself and loved ones when feeling like this. Supporting those around you who are showing signs of denial (as well as self-care) will be important at this time.
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Stage 2: Anger
In the anger stage the full extent of the situation starts to hit home! So we go from a sense of unreality to a reality which bites!
The teenager who can’t sit their GCSES or “A” levels and can’t see their friends. suddenly nothing is assured, their plans and dreams of the future are thrown in to uncertainty! They don’t even know for sure if there will be a college/uni to go back to!
It is so understandable for us to feel angry in situations where a sense of control and choice has been taken away.
As I highlighted earlier the key thing to moving through the stages of grief is feel and accept our feelings. In this stage, feelings of anger and rage may take us over suddenly and intensely. Or we may witness this happening to our children, parents or siblings which may be scary and disconcerting.
Of course taking out our anger on others around us either physically or verbally is not OK, so for parents, it is important to hold behaviour boundaries within the family - keeping ourselves and family members safe. However, I do believe there needs to be some allowance made for the very unusual circumstances we find ourselves in collectively.
Managing anger & Staying calm: Being angry or judgemental towards a young person who is angry will only inflame the situation and is likely to cause the individual to become angrier. Feeling intensely angry can be frightening for young people, as they may not feel in control of their feelings in that moment. Being a calm presence is likely to help the young person to calm themselves down.
Acceptance and understanding of angry feelings: In supporting a young person with their anger, acceptance and the naming of their angry feelings can be helpful. This encourages them to accept and reflect on their feelings. Empathy is also important as this will enable your loved one to feel heard and understood.
If we can allow our anger to run its course, we can move through it. The thing is with anger is that if we can accept it and express it will pass eventually.
Channelling anger: For some adults and children alike, a way of physically channelling our anger can be helpful. It’s widely recognised that it is much healthier to find a way to express our anger than to hold it in. So here are some ideas for channelling our anger!
• Hitting or kicking a pillow.
• Singing
• listening to loud music
• Shouting - Going to a remote place and having a good shout!
• Exercise - walking, running, dancing, jumping on a trampoline, kicking a ball
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Stage 3 : Sadness
When the charge of anger has run its course we reach the next stage. Sadness. Here in this stage we really feel the depth of our loss. Everything has changed. We may have lost a loved one, a job, we will never have our leaver’s production, or we will not see our child in their production.
Perhaps we have also lost our sense of safety and security. This is when we cry. For some the tears may be brief, while for others the tears may keep coming for minutes, or on-and-off for hours, days, weeks or even months. It’s so important to be able to cry as we let out our painful feelings.
Crying is a natural cleansing process so there’s no need to worry or try to stop yourself or our young person from releasing tears. We can just be there comforting ourselves or others as long as takes.
Some may not actually cry but feel a deep sense of sadness and depression for a period of time, that’s fine too. We need to stay here as long as it takes and it will vary depending on the individual and the nature of the loss.
Big or seemingly small losses need to be acknowledged. It is important to validate your loss. It may seem to be unimportant in the grand scheme of the situation but if it matters to you - then it is important.
So for example the loss of the football season may be a big disappointment to you and if so needs to be grieved in the same way! Once we have acknowledged and mourned the full extent of our loss, we can move to the next stage.
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Stage 4 : Bargaining
At this stage we have come through our sadness but we are not ready for acceptance yet. We think we can do something to put off reaching acceptance. We think we can bargain. For example we may think “If I am really grateful for everything I have now, then things will go back to how they were before this pandemic.”
Of course that will not be the case, as things have moved on and changed and we eventually and naturally reach this realisation.
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Stage 5 : Acceptance
Here we reach acceptance and find a sense of peace in our situation. We have lost either a loved one, a way of life, a job, or a sense of security.
This situation has caused us shock, pain and a change in our perspective, a change in how we expected our life to be.
Here we are able to find some solace in our loss. We find something new emerging from our loss, a way to honour and hold our loved ones memory within us. A new beginning. A new path to take. We can maybe even see some positives coming from the coronavirus situation.
We appreciate the quiet and peace of nature, we appreciate the simple things in life and the precious time with our loved ones, and we are deeply touched by the unbelievable stories of bravery and kindness in the face of adversity.
We are humbled and in awe that the human spirit is able to move beyond such challenges. We find ourselves in a different place and in this new place we find a new path a fresh path that hasn’t been discovered before.
We find a new way to make a living, a new venture, a new perspective, a deeper understanding, a fresh way to contribute to the world.
In this place we can find a way forward which gives hope, meaning and purpose to our loss.